(First of all, readers and my friends, happy bi visibility day ! you all are so very valid.)
I’ve read so much about the people on the internet talking about how they realized about their sexuality at a very, very young age. And in this group of people, I found myself to be an oddity because back when most knew that they were [insert orientation], I didn’t even know the terminology for it. I was brought up in a very sheltered family, with much older parents for whom things like the gay community was very new, and very taboo to talk about; and so I had absolutely no clue that people of the same sex could love each other, let alone an identity which gave you freedom to love both.
I might not know the word ‘gay’ back then'; but my awakening was at the age of ten. My cousin sister, who was going to her bachelor college at the time, handed me her expansion drive; she knew how much I loved to listen to pop music and so she gave it to me. I still remember the words she used: ‘I know Mama (which means uncle) does not let you listen to pop music that freely, so do listen to the audios here. I know you’ll love all of them.’ And in this drive was the song ‘I Kissed A Girl’ by Katy Perry. Now, I know that this very popular song is technically queer-baiting, but back then it generated curiousity in me. I listened to the song with the rapid imagination I had: ‘the taste of her cherry chapstick’ made me imagine a girl’s lips on mine. That was when the thought came across my mind: that I wanted to kiss a girl because her lips would taste like a cherry, or perhaps a strawberry, or even the taste of fresh apples.
I was twelve when I first heard the word ‘gay’: one of my classmates brought me aside and told me about the boys in the class calling me ‘gay’ and whether I knew what it meant. I nodded then, but my thought process about bullying instantly connected it to be negative. But, of course, I was curious and therefore searched up the meaning of the word itself (without my mother knowing and deleting history shortly afterwards): and ended up feeling bad. How did a word symbolizing love- which myths often paint as something holy, something so beautiful- can become tainted just because it’s between two men or two women. From that day forth, I smiled within myself whenever they called me that, because it seemed like a compliment much rather than an insult.
Fourteen rolled by and one of my closest friends came out to me as pansexual; and I too accepted that label because I did believe that love shouldn’t be categorized by gender. But the problem with the label was that it didn’t truly feel like mine: it felt like a foreigner against my self; like rubbing an unfamiliar soap on your skin. And then, I became fifteen and found the term ‘bisexuality’. (It’s surprising to me that I knew the word pansexual before bisexual, but yeah my country has a long way to go). Me and my friend were talking, and I said that I didn’t want my love to be defined by man and woman, that I want to love both the same way; and my friend told me that I was bi. Instantly, the word felt comfortable in me, in my skin and I relished the feeling of it against my mouth. And from that time forth, I was bisexual. I am bisexual.
It’s been three years since that day, and I’ve searched within myself and the internet to know more about this identity of mine. I remember at sixteen being told by a classmate that I can’t be bisexual if I haven’t dated anyone, haven’t had a connection with anyone from the same gender. And now when I look back at that moment, I realized that I should have said it out loud: that love cannot be defined by the radius of dating. Love is love regardless of whether you’ve ever dated, of whether you haven’t done the act already. And your identity isn’t defined by that narrow radius that is dating. You can realize who you are without even others helping you know it. Because love is you, and you form love through the ways you want to.
Let this be a reminder for you, my reader. That your capacity of loving doesn’t need the radius of dating.
Until next time, dear reader. Happy bisexual visibility day to you and me.
the story of realization
the last paragraph really brought a sense of reassurance to myself. i second guess myself a lot because i label myself as bisexual but have not dated someone of the same gender as of yet. thank you for reminding me that i dont need others to prove my identity or sexuality. 💗